'Toska' (Russian) is the word I was looking for...and as
Vladmir Nabokov describes it; “No single word in English renders all the shades
of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual
anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull
ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague
restlessness, mental throes, yearning."

Each language inherently develops words to capture feelings particular to the race. You seem to have a Russian soul, no wonder you like vodka.
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